I should be writing about something safe right now... my next lesson on coupons, a review of my trip.. anything but what I am feeling now. My emotions are still raw, my eyes are still rimmed red.
Sometimes as a mother you have moments when you wonder if anything you are teaching gets through. Today is park day. We were the first ones from our group to arrive as usual. There was a little two-year-old boy there who Lucas quickly befriended. They were laughing and playing wonderfully. Soon the rest of our group started showing up. Overall thing were going good. I had to give a few reminders: don't throw play chips, wait till they get up the ladder first.. those sort of things.
But everything went dark when a little girl, probably about 6 or 7, came back to the park and approached Lucas. She was telling him that it she didn't like it when he lifted up her skirt. I stood there mortified was I hearing this right. Why in the world would he do that? Her dad said something was bothering her and she wanted to come back, he had no idea what had happened until he heard his daughter tell Lucas. He was great and understanding but I felt horrible, embarrassed, mortified, angry and then just miserable. I asked Lucas why he did this. He said he didn't want the girls (yes plural there was more than one) to be by him, so this was his solution to get them to leave. Innocent enough, yet it still just crushed me.
I've taught him better than this right?? I felt like a failure. Some of you might be thinking, it wasn't that big of a deal and even laughing at the innocence of it all... but when those moments come and in the moments, it is just the worst. I invest everything I have and am in my kids, yes it is probably my codependency speaking out, but when they fail I feel like I have failed.
Even as I am typing this the heaviness is starting to lift, I guess venting really does help. So Lucas and I have had a nice talk and we will keep going. How do you make it through those moments when your kids leave you feeling like a failure?