I have been in a major funk lately.
I have been fighting to stay afloat.
I have been fighting to just let go.
I feel like I lost my inner-child.
"Mom, do you want to play with me?"
"No, I don't want to."
Wait, back up the boat, did I really just say that?? While I have still been taking care of my kids, even doing some Time For Tot's days... when it comes down to the day to day, I just have not had the heart to do it. When I do go to "play" with kids, I find myself just sitting there staring at the wall. Why can't I just have fun??
I have realized the place I was slipping into and have been fighting it. Last week I vowed to try better. I left my iPod downstairs, so I wouldn't be tempted to check my e-mail or facebook one more time. I picked up a car to drive too... yet I was still just having to try so hard. Some mornings would pass and I would hear my kids laughing and playing together and I would have to stop and think, did I even play with them today? Yes, I fed them breakfast, yes I got them dressed, but did I play? Did I let go and enjoy.
This last week came and went. I unloaded the dishes as I reflected with a knot in my stomach on the last week. I had done a little better but I still mostly felt unsuccessful. I heard the kids laughter as they played boats in the living room. I continued to unload the dishwasher as the heaviness grew. Then I heard it, this beautiful simple song coming from a bird outside. I stopped and looked out the kitchen window. The bird peacefully sat on the back of the chair singing this beautiful song. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and just enjoyed the peace of the moment. Then I grabbed my camera, I had the wrong lens on for a far away shot, but took a picture any way. Then I put my camera down and just watched the bird.
Then I heard it, "look now there are two" Lucas said to Alex from the other room, as a second bird joined the first. Here we were with just a wall between us but it felt like miles apart. I put down the dishes and went into the living room and sat down right by my kids. And we all sat there together and watched those two birds. They were soon gone, but the joy and peace was not. It doesn't have to be complex, it doesn't have to be hard, it can be so simple.... I just need to be there. That is all they want, they just want me.