Tuesday, May 4, 2010

What a Bird taught me

I have been in a major funk lately.
I have been fighting to stay afloat.
I have been fighting to just let go.
I feel like I lost my inner-child.

"Mom, do you want to play with me?"
"No, I don't want to."

Wait, back up the boat, did I really just say that?? While I have still been taking care of my kids, even doing some Time For Tot's days... when it comes down to the day to day, I just have not had the heart to do it. When I do go to "play" with kids, I find myself just sitting there staring at the wall. Why can't I just have fun??

I have realized the place I was slipping into and have been fighting it. Last week I vowed to try better. I left my iPod downstairs, so I wouldn't be tempted to check my e-mail or facebook one more time. I picked up a car to drive too... yet I was still just having to try so hard. Some mornings would pass and I would hear my kids laughing and playing together and I would have to stop and think, did I even play with them today? Yes, I fed them breakfast, yes I got them dressed, but did I play? Did I let go and enjoy.

This last week came and went. I unloaded the dishes as I reflected with a knot in my stomach on the last week. I had done a little better but I still mostly felt unsuccessful. I heard the kids laughter as they played boats in the living room. I continued to unload the dishwasher as the heaviness grew. Then I heard it, this beautiful simple song coming from a bird outside. I stopped and looked out the kitchen window. The bird peacefully sat on the back of the chair singing this beautiful song. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and just enjoyed the peace of the moment. Then I grabbed my camera, I had the wrong lens on for a far away shot, but took a picture any way. Then I put my camera down and just watched the bird.

Then I heard it, "look now there are two" Lucas said to Alex from the other room, as a second bird joined the first. Here we were with just a wall between us but it felt like miles apart. I put down the dishes and went into the living room and sat down right by my kids. And we all sat there together and watched those two birds. They were soon gone, but the joy and peace was not. It doesn't have to be complex, it doesn't have to be hard, it can be so simple.... I just need to be there. That is all they want, they just want me.

This photographically horrible picture, will always be beautiful to me.

25 comments:

  1. Emily...I can see why they just want you...I find you quite amazing...and I love you with my whole heart! I think you're doing a great job as a mother, I mean stupendous! Fantastic! Did I say wonderful? Wonderful! Believe it or not, birds have rescued me before. I think that is why I love them so much. Heavenly Father sends them when we need a lift. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

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  2. What a great reminder to just enjoy a moment with our kids. I too have struggled with this over the years and need to take more of those moments. thanks

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  3. Thank you for this reminder. At the end of every day, I think, "Did I do anything today that would let Aidan know I love him?" It's stuff like this that helps him to know.

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  4. I feel the same way, most days. I often find myself telling them I will play or do someting for them "in a minute" but that minute never seems to come. When I do finally give in, and play for a few minutes, or complete a task they had asked me to do, it turns out, it really only took minutes of my time to make a big impact on their lives.
    Thanks for this simple reminder to take joy in the small things...

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  5. I am not alone! Thank you for sharing this touching reflection. I love how you show us that sometimes we do not have to be the constant entertainer or teacher, but simply be together, present and engaged in little moments. Will you include this picture in the knees and paws potluck photo party? I've just posted an invitation requesting life affirming photos. This is one has a wonderful meaning behind the image.

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  6. What a beautiful, simple reflection. So well said.

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  7. Just the fact that you felt bad about not playing with your children for a few days shows how much of a wonderful mom you are!! They are lucky to have you!!!

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  8. This made me cry b/c I have been feeling similar.

    I feel like a failure sometimes b/c I don't do big things with my kids but that is not what they want. They just want me, and like you said, to just sit with them and be.

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  9. I'm so glad you shared this. I really feel the same way all the time. I never knew before I had kids that there would be times I wouldn't want to play. It can be hard. It's nice to remember that they are pleased by small and simple things. And oh, how fast they grow up.

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  10. This stupid computer has become such a crutch for me as well. I feel the exact way. I've got to start spending more time with my kids and less time pushing refresh. Beautifully put.

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  11. Very true.

    I don't like playing with my kids. It usually winds up giving me a headache. So I like the moments when they just climb on my lap and we just...sit.

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  12. That is a beautiful post...so full of truth. I think we all find ourselves in that same situation from time to time.

    I'm glad you were able to pull yourself from the funk.

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  13. You are so amazing. I aspire to be a mother as great as you are. I am glad a little birdy was able to help you out like that.

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  14. I know exactly how you feel!!! Lately when the kids ask me to do something for them or play with them, inside I am like, AAUUUGGHH, do I really have to??!! I think we all go through that once in awhile!!! (((hugs)))

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  15. What a sweet little spot you have here! I saw a comment you made on MMB and had to take a squiz at your photo-lovin' place in the hue of blue. Glad I did!

    - A reader from NZ ;)

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  16. I can so relate to this ... I can't imagine a mother who can't. It can be simple ... though it often feels complex. What a lovely post.

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  17. I think these funks are normal as mothers. And sometimes we just need a little nudge to come back down to earth where our kids are beautiful as ever and anxioiusly waiting for Mommy to love on them. What a beautiful reminder for you. :) You seem like a wonderful mother, and a beautiful woman- inside and out. Your kids are very lucky to have you, whether you get in an occassional funk or not! :)

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  18. I am sitting here not knowing what to say. You are such a good mama. And I know how hard it is to get of those funks. I am glad that little bird caught your attention. It is amazing what will take of us out of our own head. I am glad you are on the upside of it now.

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  19. So insightful! It's wonderful how something as simple as a bird's song can unlock the door that had been closed to you until that point.

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  20. Really great thoughts, Emmy. I have been feeling the same way.

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  21. This is something I have been making a real effort on lately too. I have been making sure to play when they want me to play, and sit when they want me to sit, and read when they want me to read...someday all these things will be just part of the past...and I dont want to miss anything

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  22. i struggle with these same thoughts more often than not and then to let myself think there is always just one more thing to get done. it is lovely that one of God's creatures got you to slow down and enjoy :)

    hold that memory in your heart.

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  23. I do believe every parent has had those moments when they just don't feel like doing it. It's ok. It's totally normal. As you found, the moments are temporary.

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  24. I've been there too, when it feel like all business, especially since I run a child care, but it's not about 'all the time' it's about 'moments' - just like blueviolet said, that they will remember.

    Hugs!

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  25. That's a Western Meadowlark! In case you were wondering! :)

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