Friday, July 16, 2010

Friday Confessional: Pie



I confess that I really like big babies, big babies and tall children. In fact I would say I have been prideful of having my babies at the top and even off the charts. Which easily happens when your husband is 6'8". Maybe it is because he and his family are all so tall and I come in at barely 5'5", that I pride myself in the fact that even short little me is not messing up their very tall gene pool. And heck it's just fun to have your child at the top of the charts.

I confess I also pride myself in my ability to produce enough milk to feed an army of babies. When Ryder was in the NICU, in five minutes I could pump twice what he needed in one meal. Pump for ten and it was four times. His freezer trays were full, I was even dumping some at times as I had way too much milk.

Well life has served me a big piece of humble pie. And I do not like pie. At two months, Ryder weighs 5 lbs 11 oz... Which isn't enough. The first thing the Dr. said when she came in is, 'well he isn't growing enough'. I knew this and feared this in the bottom of my heart. So now, I have to bring him back in a week. Between now and then I am supposed to pump, supplement and even fortify with rice cereal. It sucks. I pump every three hours, feed him about a half-hour after pumping, then hold him upright for at least a half hour to help with digestion and his reflux. It sucks. One of my pump cups is broken, while I wait for the replacement I am having to pump one side at a time. It sucks, but I would do anything for this little guy.

But do you know what does not suck, preemies, at least often not very well. He latches on great, he starts off great, but then he doesn't just suck hard enough and long enough to really be getting what he needs. And well my body adjusted and so now I am barely producing enough milk. It makes me sick to think about all those cups and cups of milk that I dumped. All those cups and cups of milk I left behind in Utah, as I the prideful milk queen had plenty. Like throwing away gold, pure life saving gold.

And last night as I nursed him once in the middle of the night, as I was too tired to pump it scared me to think that pumping and bottles are going to become the necessity and that he would just start preferring the easy way and not want to nurse again.

So excuse me while I go eat some pie.

15 comments:

  1. Oh I feel for you. I hate pumping. When I had Eden I was so happy I wouldn't have to pump but then she decided eating wasn't really necessary.
    You're right though we will do anything for our kids and Ryder will catch on soon.

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  2. Sorry you're having a hard time! Though I completely get it. After pumping nonstop (literally, pump for an hour feed for an hour, pump for an hour, feed for an hour) the first month of little M's life I was only producing 2 ounces of milk A DAY, total! We tried nursing during that time to stimulate milk production but since she wasn't actually getting anything from me I had to sit totally topless in the freezing cold apartment (it was winter in Utah) and have someone help me by sliding a little tube into her mouth while she was latched on that was connected to a syringe with formula in it. It was a pain, and in the end resulted in no change and so we had to switch to formula full time, but you're right, I was willing to do anything to help her grow. With the second we went through the same process again for the first month though I was producing maybe 4-5 ounces a day. Pumping was awful, formula was expensive, and at least with the first one, I was an emotional wreck because I felt like a failure for not being able to produce milk but you do what you have to do. Good luck!

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  3. I'm so sorry Emily. Funny though, because I always felt self-consious about having babies off the charts. haha

    Pumping really isn't fun at all, but it is worth it. I'm sure Raelynn could say that about pumping for three months with Kate.

    He'll grow big!!!

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  4. I'm sorry you're having a difficult time :( I didn't realize he's that tiny....I hope you see good results soon. (I think we finally got to the bottom of Brooklyn's off-the-charts dilema) I know how disconcerting it can be, especially when the doctors are concerned. I used a natural supplement to boost my supply when I was nursing her. I could dig it out and send you the info if you're interested...

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  5. I hope you can get this worked out. :(

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  6. Oh, I'm sorry!! hang in there. Pump and pump and pump to get your supply up and hopefully he will come around and do what he's supposed to do.

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  7. Hello. :) I clicked on you from Glamazon's blog and just had to comment. I feel your pain! My daughter wasn't a preemie but was small and couldn't suck deep enough. I pumped for 5 months before I finally, tearfully, switched her to formula.

    It sucks! Hang in there and know you aren't alone!

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  8. I don't like humble pie. And crow is even worse. I am sorry you are going through this. He's going to grow. And big and strong. He has to. He's got those feet to catch up too!

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  9. You will make it past this stage, don't worry. Humble pie is hard to stomach though. neither one of my babies would nurse (everyone says hey just do it naturally and give it time... yeah right. Not my babies!) so both my kiddos are formula babies. I know you want him to nurse but don't feel bad about giving it to him through the bottle. The important thing is that he is getting your precious milk. Try not to worry about it. Just feed him how you need to feed him. He is going to grow! The reflux is not fun... Jayce has it too. Luckily he isn't loosing weight though (he gargles his reflux and then re-swallows it.... I know! YUCK) but his medicine is really helping! Keep up the good work! No matter how bad it sucks, you little guy is grateful!

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  10. Oh Emily...I wish I could give you a hug right now.

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  11. Em, I wish I could help! He'll end up being your biggest kids once you get it worked out!

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  12. Hang in there! It will get better, even if you have to supplement for a little while.

    My kiddos were always at the other end of the charts...still are. But I'm only 5'0 and my DH is only 5'4 :-)

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  13. Aw, that was always one of my biggest fears, that my babies would try bottles and prefer them over me. That does suck. I stopped nursing Daisy in Februrary and we JUST threw away the frozen milk. It was so hard for me to throw it away.

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  14. That is so hard, I'm sorry! When Aidan (now five years old) was a newborn I pumped tons and tons. THEN I found out he had a severe milk intolerance, and all of that breast milk I had pumped was full of dairy. I had to throw away ALL of it. I was so sad. I know that isn't directly involved with your issue :) but I know how hard it is to figure all this stuff out. Good luck with Ryder. I'll be thinking about you.

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  15. He will want to nurse and your body will make more over the next three days that u r increasing. Hang in there! Email me if u have questions.

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