I made a nice dinner, set it on the table, called all the kids to eat and then seemed to lose it. I broke my own rule, pulling out my phone as soon as we started eating. Lucas even once called me on it, but I claimed I was just using Find my Friends to see where Daddy was and how soon he would be home; which I did and then proceeded to find anything else to pull me away. Feeling I deserved a break after making that nice dinner.
Soon the noise from the table couldn't help but bring back my focus, the kids were all laughing and being silly which was distracting the youngest from eating. So I snapped, yelling to leave him alone and let him eat. By the time dinner was done and Eric finally made it home, I had an angry gray cloud over my head. The fact that it was time to get the kids ready for bed made me want to shut down and do nothing. I did manage to get through, thanks to Eric saving the day, leaving his dinner uneaten until he helped get the kids to bed.
While he finished reading a story to Lucas and Alex, I came downstairs to peace and quiet and then the guilt hit me. The fact that I know this time is so short and precious, especially with my oldest two who are gone at school all day and yet I still can't find the ability to really be there just those few hours with them.
Sure I help them with homework, sure I make them a nice dinner but I am not there.
I certainly am not living up to my word of the year and being aware of what is going on around me. I am shutting down.
Why, why am I doing this I questioned?
In some ways it had been quite a productive week, organizing my kitchen one area at a time, keeping up with the laundry, making dinner every night. I should feel like a rock star and amazingly productive. So why? Why was I sitting there feeling guilt and remorse?
Then it hit me, it was because I was being selfish. The more time I took for myself, the more I thought I deserved time.
The more I got caught up in myself, the less I was able to see others and the more miserable I became.
I am not saying I don't deserve time for myself, as I do, I am a person too; but I don't deserve all of the time or even most of the time.
At this stage in life, heck in any stage of life, it is only the times when I am aware, when I think of others, when I reach out to help and be there- those are the time I feel the most happy, the most satisfied and content.
The funny thing is that when I do put others first, taking care of others, of the things I need to do, then the more time I seem to have for myself in the end.
Life is a game of balance, if the scale tips anyway too far, things will spill. If I spend all my time giving, I will be neglected. If I spend all my time on me, life will turn to pieces.
So this week, I started over, started by putting my phone on the counter during dinner where I wouldn't be tempted to grab it, started by getting some quick chores done in the morning then really playing with my youngest for a while. I tried to stop thinking about what I want and focused on being aware again. Aware of what matters most.
And I am happy.
What do you do to keep balance in your life, to help you remember the big picture?
Linking with Shell's Pour Your Heart Out