It wasn't an early morning trip for the convenience of shopping kid free, I had Ryder with me so Eric could get ready for work while the other two still slept. It was because I had forgotten something. I had forgotten juice boxes.
I had signed up to bring ten-ten juice boxes for Alex's preschool class. I scavenged my cupboards that morning in desperation only finding eight. They come in packets of eight, so why was the sign up for ten? I had several boxes of Capri Sun's but only 8 100% Juice boxes. I probably could have brought the Capri Suns, but something in me wouldn't allow it. Was it the desire to succeed, to follow through with my word, or simply trying to put forth a good image? I wasn't sure to be honest.
From a young age I had a very strong drive to succeed. I was terrified of failure and I was terrified of getting in trouble. The mere thought of being in trouble would often bring me to tears. In fourth grade when a television crew visited my classroom, I was the one lone child that didn't look up at the camera to smile as we were told to just pretend like we were working. This fear wasn't because of my upbringing. My parents were wonderful and being the fifth of six children-they were pretty laid back and relaxed when it came time to parent me. It was just something internal, something I was born with.
With time this fear lessened. As I started to see the world around me and especially after an encounter with an adult who publicly humiliated and scolded me it all but disappeared. Yes, I still wanted to succeed and be successful. Yes, most would still call me a good girl; but my respect was no longer freely given and offered-it had to be earned.
Now many years later; life has taken me on many rides. From the height of arrogance to the worst depths of humility and back somewhere in-between to hopefully a good balance.
So as I hurried through the store at 6:30 this morning I wondered why I was there. Why did I have to come and get those juice boxes? Was it compliance, was it following through with my word, or do parts of that underlying fear still linger?
But maybe, maybe that fear and drive to succeed are nothing to be ashamed of but something to celebrate. As it has lead me through life to be who I am today.
And well today, today I like myself.
I am linking this post up with Shell's Pour Your Heart Out. This is her one-year anniversary of this meme so stop by her blog and see what she is all about.