I Lost My Son

It is every parents fear, losing a child.  The fear of some stranger grabbing them, the fear of them simply wandering off in the store.

One of my older brothers, I have three older brothers, had a propensity for wandering off.   He got lost at the zoo at least a couple of times, each time telling the Zookeeper he was Batman, a favorite Halloween costume becoming an obsession.  Somehow I made it through those toddler and young years without ever losing one of my kids (unless I blocked out some traumatic memory).

But yesterday I lost my son- my 11-year-old.

The middle school gets out 30 minutes before the grade school.  Usually Lucas, my oldest, will walk from the middle school over to the grade school where I will pick them all up.  Our grade school has early-out day every Monday.  The middle school only has early out day once a month;  yes, confusing schedules to keep track of.  Most Mondays I actually pick up the grade school kids first and then pick him up in front of his school.
   Last week for parent teacher conference it was early out day for both schools the entire week.  This morning as I dropped Lucas off he asked when their early out day was, I told him the 17th and so that today I would pick him up in front of his school.
  I got to the school and waited in the pick-up line, getting caught up in a long conversation on Facebook in blogging group I am part of.  The line began to move and finally I made it around the corner.  I looked and searched the crowd of kids and did not see Lucas.  The line seemed to stall for a bit and a few more kids wandered out of the gates.  I moved a little further up and still could not find him.  Maybe he was talking with some friends, maybe he wasn't paying attention.  I made it to the front of the line and there was no doubt he was not there.

I rolled down the window and asked the proctor if any of the classes were getting out late.  I told her I couldn't find my son and that usually he walks across the street to the grade school but not on Monday's.  She tried to radio up to the office but no one was answering.

If only he had a cell phone I thought.  I texted Eric telling him I couldn't find Lucas.  He immediately called wondering what was happening.  I quickly explained and then thought of his friend Steven. His friend Steven has a phone and always rides his bike home.  I search through my contact, I did not have Steven's number.  Why do I not have his number?  I have his mom's number though.  I texted his mom asking for Steven's number explaining that I couldn't find Lucas.  I was trying to remain calm but the anxiety and worry was definitely creeping up.  I guessed that he had walked across the street to the grade school.  Once he got over there he would probably see that there were no cars and would come back to the middle school, or maybe he wouldn't?  Should I go? I decided to make the loop around the grade school. There were cars there waiting to pick up afternoon kindergartners but definitely not the line like there usually would be, but also no Lucas.

I drove back to the middle school, through the pick-up line I had been in and there he was walking up having returned from the grade school after realizing his mistake. I had never been so grateful to see him, my lost son found!

So if you make it past the toddler and preschool years, be careful as you might still lose a child.

How To Be a Mom

--In honor of Mother's Day coming up this week- I am re-sharing a post I wrote about figuring out how to be a mother back in 2014. --

If I have learned one thing in motherhood it is that you will never fully know what you are doing.  As a first time mom you wonder if the baby is eating enough and how you will ever get them to sleep through the night.  You anticipate each new stage, each new development telling yourself you won't compare to the others babies, then mentally kicking yourself when you do it once again.

When they begin walking and getting into things you wonder how you will ever be able to get your house clean again.

When they turn two (or three for my kids) you will wonder where you sweet baby went and who is this monster.

When they go off to school you will wonder if you have taught them enough, if they will make friends, if they will be okay.

As soon as you feel like you are getting it figured out, something will change.

If you throw a second child into the mix you will think 'I have done this before- I know what I am doing'.  While the sleepless nights and diaper blowouts won't be a surprise anymore, there will still be new things, unexpected things- as each child is their own person and no one way works for everyone.  You will barely notice their growth and milestones as you will be so busy trying to manage two.

By the time your third child comes along you will have come to terms with the fact that you will never have all the answers.  With this knowledge you will also come to learn that it might just be okay to not always have the answers.

You will look at the sleepless nights as a chance to spend a little one-on-one time with that little baby who will be big too soon.  You will laugh at the exploding diaper as you will know it will make a funny story to tell (okay you might not laugh in the moment).

There will be a new level of peace because you are beginning to come to terms with the fact that you don't have all the answers and you know what that is okay!

Life will be going along at what feels like a good pace and then something will always happen.  Something that leaves you wondering, pausing, unsure what to do.

This is motherhood.

How have I figured out how to be a mom?  By learning that I will never have all of the answers, I will never do it all just right, that I can never do it all.  All I can ever do is love my children, try my best, continue to learn and grow right alongside my children, and learn to say I am sorry when I mess up.

This is motherhood.

It is totally worth it.

Life's Game of Balance

Last week was a hard week, it seemed like even mother nature was adding to the craziness.  I went through each day, at times being extremely productive, even getting time to read a book or two but come dinner time I was done.

I made a nice dinner, set it on the table, called all the kids to eat and then seemed to lose it.  I broke my own rule, pulling out my phone as soon as we started eating.  Lucas even once called me on it, but I claimed I was just using Find my Friends to see where Daddy was and how soon he would be home; which I did and then proceeded to find anything else to pull me away.  Feeling I deserved a break after making that nice dinner.

Soon the noise from the table couldn't help but bring back my focus, the kids were all laughing and being silly which was distracting the youngest from eating.  So I snapped, yelling to leave him alone and let him eat.  By the time dinner was done and Eric finally made it home, I had an angry gray cloud over my head.  The fact that it was time to get the kids ready for bed made me want to shut down and do nothing.  I did manage to get through, thanks to Eric saving the day, leaving his dinner uneaten until he helped get the kids to bed.

While he finished reading a story to Lucas and Alex, I came downstairs to peace and quiet and then the guilt hit me.  The fact that I know this time is so short and precious, especially with my oldest two who are gone at school all day and yet I still can't find the ability to really be there just those few hours with them.

Sure I help them with homework, sure I make them a nice dinner but I am not there.

I certainly am not living up to my word of the year and being aware of what is going on around me. I am shutting down.

Why, why am I doing this I questioned?

In some ways it had been quite a productive week, organizing my kitchen one area at a time, keeping up with the laundry, making dinner every night. I should feel like a rock star and amazingly productive.   So why?  Why was I sitting there feeling guilt and remorse?

Then it hit me, it was because I was being selfish.  The more time I took for myself, the more I thought I deserved time.
The more I did things that I wanted, the more I thought the things I wanted mattered most.

The more I got caught up in myself, the less I was able to see others and the more miserable I became.

I am not saying I don't deserve time for myself, as I do, I am a person too; but I don't deserve all of the time or even most of the time.

At this stage in life, heck in any stage of life, it is only the times when I am aware, when I think of others, when I reach out to help and be there- those are the time I feel the most happy, the most satisfied and content.

The funny thing is that when I do put others first, taking care of others, of the things I need to do, then the more time I seem to have for myself in the end.

Life is a game of balance, if the scale tips anyway too far, things will spill.  If I spend all my time giving, I will be neglected.  If I spend all my time on me, life will turn to pieces.



So this week, I started over, started by putting my phone on the counter during dinner where I wouldn't be tempted to grab it, started by getting some quick chores done in the morning then really playing with my youngest for a while.  I tried to stop thinking about what I want and focused on being aware again.  Aware of what matters most.

And I am happy.

What do you do to keep balance in your life, to help you remember the big picture?

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Linking with Shell's Pour Your Heart Out

I Did it Again

So do you remember how just last Friday I told you about how I was a good mom and bad mom- can see that post here- and how I was totally having to fight laughing when my daughter ran into a wall?

Well it happened again?

Not her running into a wall but me laughing at a time I really shouldn't.

Sunday was a wonderful peaceful day.  It was the Primary Program at church where the kids sang the songs and shared little messages and talks for the main meeting of church.  It is always a great Sunday and both Lucas and Alex did great with their parts.

I was a proud mama.

We were enjoying the rest of the day, Ryder was watching Lucas play some computer games.  He then decided to wear the Lincoln Log bucket as a hat.  He was smiling and laughing and then he started to cry.  He was pulling, trying to take his "hat" off and he could not get it.

"Come here" I said with a little giggle.  I will get it off.

He hurried over, I gave a little tug.. and another tug.. and another tug.
"Eric come here!" I urgently said.  "I can't get this off his head!"

Eric came over assuming he would be able to easily get it off.  He pulled, he pulled again. Ryder was freaking out by this point.

Then it began.

I started giggling.  To see this big huge bucket on his head, almost looked like a top hat gone wrong, it was stuck and I was giggling.

Eric ended up getting a knife and cutting the top of the bucket off so he could look down and see why it was so stuck.  When he was able to see that there wasn't anything extra making it stuck he knew he just need a good tug get the bucket off.  All the while while I giggled while holding Ryder.

Seriously, what is wrong with me?   I think it was one of those situations where I felt like I either needed to cry or laugh and I chose to laugh.

Thankfully, as soon as it was off he was perfectly fine and other than a tiny red line that he still has on his forehead today you never would know it happened.

Please tell me I am not the only one who sometimes laughs at all the wrong times?   And hey, at least I resisted in grabbing my camera and taking a picture, that is an improvement right?

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Since it is Tuesday I am linking up with some other great Tuesday meme's.  IA and Shawn's Talk to Us Tuesday and Stacy Uncorked's Random Tuesday

Good Mom Bad Mom

I really used to love crime detective shows.  Whenever they are interrogating a suspect they always like to have the good cop and the bad cop.  Today I am going to share my version of this called

Good Mom/ Bad Mom

Good Mom: "Sure I would love to play this game with you."
Bad Mom: I am letting him cheat so the game can get finished more quickly.

Good Mom: "Oh look how sweet he is taking a nap"
Bad Mom: "Thank goodness now I can have some time to myself and don't have to entertain him anymore."

Good Mom:  "Oh Alex are you okay?" after she ran into a wall
Bad Mom:  Had to fight really hard to hold in giggles while comforting her as it was totally hilarious how she did it, sort of just turned around and ran right into the wall.  Yes I was still laughing ten minutes later and again while typing this.

Good Mom: Mom- can you come see what I made? "Sure I would love to"
Bad Mom: Dang it, I just sat down I really don't want to go see it-all muttered under my breath.

Good Mom: Ah kids bedtime what a glorious time.
Bad Mom: Ah kids bedtime what a glorious time.

Let's face it, good or bad we all love bedtime.

*******

I switched back to blogger comments, I kept hearing from different people that they were having trouble commenting with Disquis, so as much I loved the format of it, think I will stick with the basics..until I get brave enough to switch it all over to Wordpress that is.  Anyone want to do that for me?

I Fed My Kid Garbage

"I didn't eat my snack today." were some of the first words out of Lucas mouth as we walked in the door after school.

"What?" I questioned immediately getting annoyed- I mean I had spent all of two minutes putting that snack together, didn't he appreciate my hard work?

"A kid had a birthday today and there were treats so I wasn't hungry."

"Oh okay" I said, quickly regaining my composure- because hey I am a intelligent person- snack or birthday treat? Hello, no question!

"I'm hungry now though, so can I eat it while watching a show?"  Lucas asked.

"Sure" I said happy that I would not have to look for a snack for him.   Is it just me or is coming up with meal and snack ideas sometimes the most difficult and annoying thing? 

Lucas pulled the brown paper sack from his backpack and began eating his snack while watching a half hour show.   After his break it was the dreaded homework time.  We made it through homework, dinner and bedtime and were all set for the next day.

As some mornings inevitably seem to be, this was a rushed one.  Getting up a few minutes after the alarm, getting distracted by a few things on-line, you know those kinds of things all lead to a sudden hurry to get ready.

I got the kids their breakfast, packed Lucas' lunch and threw everything in his backpack.

"Okay, let's go!"  I hurriedly said.

"Did you get my Cub folder?" Lucas asked, running through the checklist as we do most mornings.

"Check"
"Lunch?"
"Check"
"Snack?"

"Um--" I couldn't remember, had I packed the snack?  A quick peak in his bag and I saw the brown paper sack I put his snacks in.  "Check"

And off we went.

The day quickly went by, errands, pretending to clean, blogging....  and before I knew it, it was time to pick Lucas up from school.

"Why did you pack me garbage today?" Lucas asked when he got in the car.

"What??" I asked utterly confused.

"My snack, it was just an empty water bottle and a Rice Krispie treat wrapper!"

Uh-oh

And then it hit me, Lucas snack from the day before, the one he had eaten after school while watching a show-- he hadn't thrown his trash away but had simply put it back in his backpack.

Opps- yep, let's chalk this one up to add to my long resume of why I am mother of the year.

I Just Want to Get Dressed: A Mother's Dilemma

"I just want to get dressed!" I hollered.  

Oh the little things, the things that used to be so easy to do.  The things you could do without even thinking about it, once you are a mother suddenly become seemingly impossible.

We were enjoying our day off, thank you Labor Day.  Lucas wanted to watch a Nascar Race on TV- he is obsessed with all things that go and hey a race that begins with a prayer is good in my book.  Eric was off playing basketball with some friends, so I agreed.

I turned to the right channel and said, okay I am going to go upstairs to get dressed.   I made it about halfway up the stairs when Lucas started crying "No!!"

I sighed and turned around.  "What is wrong?" I asked.

The sound on the TV was going in an out- simply pausing the show then restarting solved this problem.

"Okay, I am going to go get dressed." I state again.

I head into my bathroom.  I pick out some clothes and go to put my contacts in, all is quiet downstairs.  I pick out my clothes and take off my pajamas.

"Get off of me, get out of my way." I hear Lucas yelling.  Being the all-wise mother I know exactly what is going on.  Alex is probably laying on or next to Lucas purposely getting in his way.  I head over to the edge of the stairs in only my underwear and call down for Alex to get away from her brother.  "Come on, I am just trying to get dressed." I plead.

Things are now quiet, so I head back to my room.  I get my first contact in, having to open a new left contact after my brand new contact accidentally disappeared down the drain the night before; talk about flushing money down the drain.

Alex comes running into my bathroom.  "Lucas bit me!" she says showing me the bite marks in her finger.

"What!!!" I fume.  But then it hit me, I hadn't heard any screaming.  Any fighting.

"Why did he bite you I ask?  Did you put your finger in his face?"  The look on her face says it all.  But biting is still biting, never ever okay.

I throw my pajamas back on, one contact in, hurry and stick the other in , and head downstairs to investigate. 

"She told me to bite her!" Lucas cries "And she said it didn't hurt"  I turn to look at Alex and her face once again gives her away.  I dish out the appropriate punishments for both and then stay downstairs for a few minutes, still in my pajamas, making sure all is calm.  

Everyone seems settled so I head back up.  I take my pajamas back off and then the screaming starts again.  

I once again head to the rail and call down, this time banning Alex from the family room.  She does not want to watch the race she just wants to bother her brother.  I hear her sit down at the kitchen table with her coloring book and once again head back to my bedroom.

"I just want to get dressed!" I holler.

Oh being a mom, where even getting dressed is nearly impossible.

Linking with Shell's PYHO

Friday!!

I am confessing today with Glamazon and well this might be interesting as...


It is really good I did not write this an hour ago... I was REALLY crabby
Why?
Because I chose to be.
Nothing out of the ordinary happened
Nothing really bad happened
Sure I couldn't make dinner until late because the baby had to eat
Hmm maybe that did it
Hungry equals crabby.

Speaking of hungry I joined Shortmama's Muffin top to skinny jeans journey
As well I am sick of my muffin top.
I weighed myself and stated I needed to lose 8 lbs.
the next day... Let's just say I took care of some much needed business...
And I don't quite need to lose 8 lbs anymore.

Speaking of the bathroom
I have had to put toliet paper down on my toliet seat all this last week.
No it isn't dirty-it is cracked.
And if you don't put toliet paper down
And not just a single sheet but a wad, then it pinches your butt.
The kids are no longer using our bathroom though.

How did it crack?
Well Eric simply sat on it too long I guess.
Yes, Eric is a big guy-but he is just tall big,
Not big big by any means.

But this is the second toliet seat he has broken
(the other was his parents)
I guess that should be something he is confessing to though,
If he had a blog.

He once did have a blog for a week.
It was called Taco Based Lunch.
(bonus points if you can find it-he wouldn't let me put a link)
He basically told what he had for lunch everyday and how it was taco related.
Like I said, it lasted a week.

I think it is time for bed.
Hope you all have a great labor day weekend.
There will be a Cooking Club recipe posted tomorrow...
And it won't be taco based.

Knocked Down Already

It's Friday, time to fess up along with all of the others at Glamazon's

I confess:

• Remember that high horse proud mama high I was on here, well it was short lived, the next day he got a red card.
• Good thing I celebrated when I did.
• My 365 blog probably had it's worst week ever.
• I took pictures--
• horrible out of focus fuzzy pictures often taken at the 11th hour.
• I have been spending my days editing pictures from three different photo shoots, so by the time I am done with those I am done with pictures period.
• I read this blog from a really awesome photographer about how to spot bad photographers and it totally made me question my skills and abilities.
• But then I saw my sisters engagement pictures, which a friend of theirs took, and I felt a whole lot better about myself.
• Lucas and Alex are in school and preschool,
• I had one day where I missed them a lot...
• Otherwise, well I really am enjoying the quiet.
• I can't believe August is almost over!
• That means on Tuesday it will be time For Ten Things to Smile About
• Hope you write your posts and link up
  
• (and I hope you don't mind shameless plugs friendly reminders)
• And now it is time for me to schedule this post to publish in the morning and get in the shower.
• I am covered with spit up, have greasy hair, and just plain stink.

Have a great weekend! The last recipe for this month's cooking club with be up tomorrow!

Confessions: late Night Addition

All right, time for some confessions for the week, it is good for the soul, or just really fun to write.



I confess
I am writing this late at night when I should really be asleep
But I am up a lot now late in the night when I should be asleep, so hey why not?

I confess that I really am quite proud of my vlog from yesterday.
I thought it was quite funny and well done;
But it might seem impolite and arrogant if I say something like that.
Call me impolite and arrogant; I liked it.
I call it taking pride in my work

Lucas liked it too. He said he was playing with the real mom,
Alex was playing with the copy.
Was he right? It's hard to say.
Legos and doll house both have their good and bad points.

Speaking of doll houses, my neighbor growing up had one I totally coveted.
She never wanted to play with it.
One Sunday she actually invited me to play,
But I couldn't. I had pretended to be sick to not go to church that week.
And if you are sick you can't play with friends.

I was mad.

I am falling asleep now while typing this.
Holding a sleeping baby late at night is more potent than a sleeping pill.
But at least I haven't dropped Ryder while falling asleep... Yet.

I just noticed Ryder's hair is all crusty...
I just gave him a bath a few hours ago.
He must have been laying in his own spit up tonight.

No, I am not neglectful, he just spits up A LOT all of the time,
Sometimes it gets missed.
Sometimes it just rolls out of his mouth and doesn't even wake him up.
Guess he gets another bath tomorrow, or I guess today technically.

All right, he is done eating.
Time for sleep.
Good night...
Or good morning,
Whatever.

I See..

I sit in the lobby waiting for my ride.

I see grandparents with kids waiting for that special moment.

I see extended family and friends nervously pacing back and forth.

I see happy new parents carrying their new babies out to the car.

This is the way it was supposed to be.

This is how it was supposed to happen.

I see... And I wish... And I want

and then my ride comes.

Confessions of a Mommy: Not so sick of Sick

It has been a while since I have done a Mommy Confession. And in light of all of the sicks kids lately...

Today I confess: I secretly like it when my kids are sick.

Now, before you all start screaming/ yelling/leaving my blog or wondering how in the world can I say that, there are a few stipulations.

It cannot be the, you wonder if they will make it through the night type of sickness. And on the other end, it cannot be the just sick enough to make them really crabby and whinny.

I am talking about those sickness were they are truly worn out and want to lay around and cuddle. The ones were you know they will be okay, but they are sick enough that it is completely and totally okay to let them not do a thing.

They want an extra show? Sure honey, since you don't feel good.
They just want toast for lunch? Sure honey, as it is easy on your stomach.

Those are the days we like to set up sick beds in the family room, just sit and cuddle, and relax. And I may or may not enjoy the fact that during this recovery I get to read a few books or spend some extra time on the internet.

Wishing you all good health!

My kids on their sick bed

Confessions of a Mommy: Toys For Mommy

Danger! Danger! I am going to get so sick of this toy!

I buy toys for my kids Lucas a lot. (I buy clothes for Alex--but more about that later) I don't buy them because I am giving into whining (I would NOT do that) or because they have been so wonderful. I buy them for me.

I buy them because I am sick and tired of driving cars, trains of whatever it might be again and again and again. I NEED something new to play with. I NEED something new!

The other day, I gave in. I let Lucas get what he wanted.

I am kicking myself everyday when he asks me to drive with him some more, back and forth, back and forth on the road. Why didn't I insist on Legos like we first talked about? I like building with Legos and he loves them too.

But I caved, and so I drive.. back and forth and back and forth.

Don't be surprised if someday one of my kids ends up with a real cash register.

Confessions of a Mommy

The other day I let Alex eat a Popsicle for breakfast

I did make her eat some real food first though

What is the worst thing you have had for breakfast?