A Week of Lasts

Today it hit me.. the reality of it all.  I think I have been living in denial a bit.  We are moving in less than a week.

This is a week of lasts.

My kids last day of school.

Our last time attending our local church ward.

Our last time enjoying the warm California Winter weather.

Our last time having the kids come down the stairs in this house Christmas morning.

This morning, it hit Lucas hard.  He is having a wonderful school year and has made some great friends this year.  Today being, the last day of school here is not easy.  Once it hit him, that is when my bubble burst and the reality of it all hit me too.

I truly do believe this move is the right thing for our family... but today, today it is just hard.  Today is going to be kind of a sad day.  As I tell my kids, it is okay to feel sad about the move, it is okay to be nervous about it, and even a little scared; but we must also never forget that we know it is what is right for our family, and while that doesn't take the sadness away, it can be that little glimmer of peace and hope.

Soon we will have a week of firsts.

Our first snowfall.

First days at new schools.

First time meeting new friends and neighbors.

First time starting new traditions in our new home.

And we will do it together as a family, as that is what we do.

To this week of lasts, you truly are so bittersweet- but we will endure, we will enjoy, we will cry a little and maybe a lot, but in the end we will come out strong and ready for new adventures.

It's Good Life Isn't Fair

Every once in a while you hear something that truly reaches you, changes your thinking.

Sunday in church, during Relief Society, a meeting for women 18 and over, the teacher made a comment that made me really pause and ponder.

"It is good life isn't fair."

Now as a mother, I hear "it's not fair" way more often than I would like to admit.  "Life isn't fair" I will often come retort.

But on Sunday, the teacher said, "It is good life isn't fair".

She went on to explain, that none of us are perfect, or ever will be.  We all make mistakes, we all have faults and try our best to make our ways through life, but we will always fall short.  There was one who was perfect.  There was one who came to earth and lived a perfect life only to suffer and die for each and everyone of us.  If life was "fair", then He wouldn't have to suffer for crimes and sins He did not commit.  If life was fair, He would have been rewarded and punished for His actions alone.  But He did die for us. He did suffer and feel every single pain, sickness, infliction and injustice each of us have and will go through.  It wasn't fair, but He did it because of love.

So it is good life isn't fair, good that He took upon him everything even though He didn't have to in order for us to be saved.

The other day I watched a video a friend posted.  This friend is a high school science teacher at a really rough school.  He gave his students a marble tower toy, yes a toy- one my own kids have had since they were preschoolers and they could not quite figure out how to put it together.  It broke my heart watching this.

Life isn't fair and sometimes the discrepancies in life are just astounding and unexplainable.  Why was I born into the life I was, why have I been given the privileges and opportunities I have?

The older I get the more I realize this life does not have all the answers.  But someday, someday there will be answers, there will be pure light and hope and everything will seem fair.

As I drove home from church this last Sunday, I told my kids what I had learned.  'Wow!' they all proclaimed.  Later that night when Alex resorted to "that's not fair"- I reminded her what I had taught them earlier. She quickly changed her attitude and said, "You are right, it is good it is not fair."

Life is not fair, and it is good.  That does not mean I am not going to do all I can to try and take away some of the pain, injustices and problems in the world today right now.  I am going to teach my kids to look for those who are sad, look for those who are alone. I am going to do the same myself.  I am going to teach my kids the importance of hard work, a good education and never giving up- so that they can be successful, contribute to society and be able to help give back.   I am going to try my best to be a beacon of hope and light to those around me.

Life isn't fair- but this is good.

I cannot do this on my own, I need my Heavenly Father and Savior everyday and with and only because of their help can I be saved.

It's good life isn't fair.

When You Just Can't Get Along

I know I won't be friends with everyone.  There will always be those who for whatever reason we just don't really click.  But usually I can get along with most.

That was one thing I loved about BlogHer, being with women with different views but we were able to talk and find common grounds. In fact it hasn't really been since high school since I have encountered someone that I just cannot figure out how to work with (excluding my job as a Foster Care worker- as that is a whole other situation).

Now I am in the thick of it- it is honestly making me feel sick.  I ponder and wonder and worry and even dream about it.  It feels like every step I try and make forward another jab on injury is thrown my way.

Sometimes I wonder if I am overthinking it, sometimes I worry my own bias may be clouding what is all happening, but then another jab another attack, another self-righteous e-mail sent my way.   I have discussed it with others involved and they have all told me I am on the right track and doing right.

But I hate this feeling.

It makes me want to just walk away to give up and quit-- but that decision would affect so many others around me.

So instead, I take a deep breath- praying that I can find common ground, praying that I say the right things, praying that somehow hearts (mine and theirs) will be softened and we will stop making each other miserable, but also know I must stand my ground.

In today's world the anonymity of the internet has made it so much easier for people to belittle and state things that I don't think or I sure hope they would never say to someone's face.  It baffles me when people seem to go out of their way to leave mean and nasty comments.   Why take the time, why bother, why not just click away?

Today I am choosing to take my "battle" in person, no more back and forth e-mails where tones and intentions can be confused and misunderstood, they are going to have to say it to my face.

Sometimes being a grown-up isn't so much fun.

Wish Me Merry Christmas

If someone came up to me in the store and said "Happy Hanukkah" I will admit I would be shocked and then do you know how I would reply, "Thank you!"

That's it, it would be simple.

Would it offend me as a Christian if someone wished me a Happy Hanukkah?  Not at all, in fact it would be nice just to have someone talk to me in a store as most people are so caught up in their own little worlds they don't even acknowledge those around them.

Image Source Here 

The other day my kids were looking at a school calendar and my son asked me why it said "Happy Holidays" instead of Merry Christmas.  I could have spouted off about how by saying Happy Holiday is inclusive and includes all people, which yes while it might be true is also a bunch of crap.  Instead I told him the truth.

Don't get me wrong, I want my kids to love all and I love that my kids are colorblind- I even wrote about it once, but I am getting so tired of having to hide one's beliefs, or feelings or opinions as it might hurt someone's feelings.  Oh and I probably should have begun this post with a warning about "Trigger words".  The fact that that is even a thing, just begins to show what is wrong with society.

It is our differences in beliefs, our differences in traditions that help us learn who we are.   When I got a knock on my door from a certain religion that loves to knock doors (other than my own of course) I stand there nicely and talk with them. In fact, as I have read some of their literature, it has made me appreciate my own faith and beliefs even more.  It does not offend me that they teach something different, believe something different; it doesn't hurt me in anyway, it strengthens me.

Life is hard.  In life we will not always be treated fairly, always treated right- I wish it wasn't that way.   But in life if we are good decent people, who work hard, who try to serve and help others and who do not expect things to be handed to us, then chances are we will have some success in life, maybe even peace and happiness.

So this Christmas season, or excuse me, 'Holiday Season', when cashiers wish me a Happy Holidays, I am not going to get all huffy or offended, I will simply say, "thank you and a Merry Christmas to you".

Please Just Be Kind

You can't win anymore.  It feels like no matter what you do there will be someone right there ready to criticize and belittle you.

Give to the homeless and you are enabling and causing crime to rise.

Don't give and you are selfish and greedy.

Stand up for what you believe in and your a bigot, racist, prejudice, or old fashioned.

Don't stand up for what you believe in and you're a coward.

I am part of a neighborhood watch Facebook page.  If you ever really want to get paranoid join a neighborhood watch page.

Recently there has been a lot of chatter about panhandlers and some with very questionable motives and backgrounds.  I will be honest;  I often find myself quite conflicted when it comes to giving to someone on the streets.

On that group someone recently posted about how she was disgusted by the lady using her kids to ask for money as she sat there with her freshly done nails.

Many jumped on agreeing how awful that was and the other half said maybe a beauty school did her nails for free, etc. etc.

Back and forth.

Another person later posted this amazing story going around Facebook of a man who saw a homeless man digging through the garbage and he felt like he should offer to buy him some food.  As he began talking with this man he discovered that he had been living on the streets since his father passed away a year ago and he actually had an enormous tumor growing in his stomach.  The story ends with several doctors reaching out to offer to operate for free.  Just a feel good moment.

Then the comments started coming in:
 "When you give, give in secret."
 "I bet this guy is patting himself on the back for all of the attention he is getting now."

After that one I just couldn't stay quiet.

"Yes," I told him, "he might be patting himself on the back; but maybe not.  Who are we to judge his intentions?"

I went on to say it is hard, as yes you shouldn't be broadcasting your good deeds; yet these moments like this, these moments that show the good in society; well the news surely isn't reporting them and so if no one shares, then we will just see all of the bad, all of the problems, and will begin to believe that is all there is.

It is human nature to see what you believe. If you believe you always get stopped at the red lights, you are not going to notice the green lights you make, but only notice the times you get stopped at the red lights.

So let's flood the internet with good, with hope and inspiration.  Let's flood our feeds with happiness and kindness.  If people start to think and believe that overall people are good and want to help, then they will notice the good, which will help them spread good themselves even further.

And let's give each other a break when we do so; no judgment needed.

Why can't we all just try to see the good in each other?

Let's flood the earth with good and light.

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Linking with Shell's PYHO

The Teen Years Scare Me

This past Sunday, I told someone I wish I could freeze time right now.  My kids are past the diaper stages, the getting into everything stages.  They are all in school, at least for part of the day, and we haven't hit the teenage attitude yet (though Alex likes to give me little sneak peaks now and then).

Things really are pretty good.

Yesterday Lucas went to 11-year-old scouts for the first time.  He will be 11 in October and this was sort of a come see what it will be like thing.  Cub Scouts is from 4-5 on Tuesdays, 11-year-old-Scouts or Boy Scouts starts at 7:00.

I dropped him off at the church, where his Webelos leader came and showed him the way.  He was grateful she was there, as new things still definitely make him nervous.  I went home, not thinking much of it.  She offered to bring him home, which I happily accepted.

When I got home, Eric was hanging out with the younger two and we told them it was time to start cleaning and getting ready for bed.  Alex of course declared it wasn't fair that Lucas wasn't home to clean up and that he would get to go to bed late.  'Life isn't fair', we reminded her once again.

We got Ryder and Alex to bed and then I went downstairs to do the dishes; instead I found myself sitting on the chair right by the front door, anxious for Lucas to get home.

I knew he was in great hands, I wasn't worried or concerned about his safety, it was just so weird that it was bedtime and he wasn't home.

I had visions of myself sitting in that same chair waiting for my teenagers to get home from their dates or being out with their friends; then much less certain of their safety and if they are in good hands.

And it scared me.

Can't I freeze time?  Please?

Those of you with teenagers, how do you survive the teenage years?

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Linking with Shell's PYHO

Why Sunday Will Always Be My Sabbath

I need a Sabbath Day.  I need the rest and reprieve. 

Life is busy.

My week is filled with school pickups, helping kids with homework, running to four different soccer practices, pick up from chorus, dropping of at Scouts and Activity days not to mention running a household and everything it entails. 

I am not complaining though, I love being able to be home with my kids, what I do miss is being home with my kids.

As my kids have gotten older and involved in more activities it feels like we are very rarely ever home. Currently during the school week Thursday is the only night of the week that we are all home at a normal dinner time.  

Those Thursday's when we finally can have a normal dinner as a family, we cherish those times.  I even actually cook a real meal.

Even our Saturday's are filled with soccer and errands and occasional parties or events, but one day will always be our Sabbath.

One day a week will always be our chance to slow down, reflect and enjoy our time as a family.

Yes, even some Sunday's are busy with three hours of church and meetings in the areas we are serving in, but what my Sabbath will never be filled with is a list of errands to run, kids sporting events or hours of televised football.

Once upon a time things closed down on Sunday, all the shops, all the stores.  Now it is just another day, another day to get things done, run places and get in one more soccer game for the team.  

When will the world realize it is enough?  It is too much.  Even if your aren't religious, we need a break.  A time to reconnect as a family.  Studies after studies have shown the benefit of strong families, yet everything society is pushing for and throwing at is pulling families apart.  Pressure to work longer and longer work hours, pressure to have kids in so many activities, pressure to alway be going, always entertaining, always moving at a fast pace right along with the technology. 

We need a time to just be, a time for rest.  Life is busy, even almost frenzied at time.

The Sabbath day was given to us as a day of rest and let's embrace it.  Talk to your kids coaches, talk to your boss, talk to your friends and neighbors and let's make a push, a societal push to get a day of rest back.  A day that can heal and prepare us for the week ahead.  A day we can strengthen our families.  We can all work to make this change.  We need it.  Let's make it the Best Day! 

Sunday will always be my Sabbath. 

When Parents Can't Fix It

As a parent you can't fix everything.

And sometimes it hurts.

To see your kids suffering, so see them hurting, all you want to do is take away that pain.

And sometimes you don't even know what you should fix.  

Lucas is in GATE (Gifted and Talented Education).  Last night I attended a meeting about GATE and some of the extra enrichment activities they offer for the GATE kids, including Odyssey of the Mind. Before the meeting I asked Lucas if he would want to join any of the teams.  'Sure, maybe' he said.

I came home from the meeting with information about the teams and asked Lucas which he would like to do.  

"8- minute presentation" he read on the form.  "Does that mean I have to present in front of others."

"Not just you, your whole team would." I explained.

"I don't want to do it."

This began a frustrating 30 minute conversation with Lucas.  A conversation where Eric and I tried to figure out what was going on in his mind, what was causing this anxiety.

If you knew Lucas when we lived in Arizona, this would just seem par for course; but we have worked with him so much, we have taught him coping skills and he has changed.

That little boy who would freeze up at birthday parties crying in the corner, that little boy who would be overwhelmed by too much noise, too much stimuli, those days all seemed mostly behind us.  Now when he gives talks in Primary, he does it with a confidence that seems to rival every kid, leaving every adult amazed at his speaking ability and amazing talks he prepared.

This is the true Lucas, this is the boy I know he can be, those little moments when he is showing his full potential. 

So as he sat there, tears running down his face, never telling us what was in his mind, my heart broke a little more.  What had happened?  Had someone teased him at school, was someone still teasing him.

I had been bullied at times as a child and I never told my mother.  I don't know why I didn't tell, I knew she loved me and was always there for me, but for some reason my 2nd grade self kept it all in. And now he is a 5th grader, so much older, the teasing could be so much worse.  

A week before, I had happened to tell Lucas about my experience and told him I never told my mother, he asked why.  I said I don't know.

"She probably couldn't have done anything about it" he said.

"Maybe not, but maybe she could have and even if she had not she at least would have been there for me and it would help knowing I wasn't going through it all alone."

He agreed that I should have told.

So last night as we sat there, trying to figure out what was going on, I hoped and prayed there wasn't something more he wasn't telling me.  

I hate that I can't fix it.

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Linking With Shell's PYHO

Kindergarten, Milestones and Changes in Life

This post is coming much later in the day than I usually post.  I wanted to wait, wait until it was more official... my youngest, my baby is starting kindergarten.

Tomorrow is his actual first day, but this morning we went over and met his teacher and he got to see his classroom.

We waited outside with the other parents, sweating in the August heat.  His friend Jack arrived and when they finally opened the gates, Jack took Ryder's hand as they walked to their classroom.

I found Ryder's name badge, filled out that he would be a car rider and then he sat on the colorful carpet with his new classmates.  After a short presentation from his teacher, the parents were sent off to listen to the new principle talk about school pick-up; which despite the new road, I have no doubt will still be a nightmare.

He has done a year of preschool and didn't care one bit when I dropped him off, but when the parents turned to leave he turned back and looked at me, a slight look of almost panic in his face.  I smiled reassuringly and went out the door; I knew he would be fine, but my heart couldn't help but skip a beat.

When the parents returned to the classroom, Ryder was smiling and happy, and may have possibly been picking his nose.  He was so excited to get his first Cub folder, just like the one his big brother and sister have.  It was filled with paperwork for me to fill out but he insisted on carrying it; it was his.

He told me he made a new friend, who's name he couldn't remember.  When we made it home, he hurried in the house to proudly show off his new folder and the bag of goldfish he got.

So it is official.  He is a Kindergartner and I am entering a whole new stage of life. Not sure if I like it yet.

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Linking with Shell's PYHO

Celebrating Our Country

I stare at the blinking cursor, wondering what to write.  I begin many different posts then delete what I have begun.   I am just unsure what to say.

These last couple of weeks have been monumental, they have made me stop and reflect.

They have made me grateful for our county and the rights and freedoms we have and also terrified as I fear for the direction we are heading.

I try my best to love all, to be kind. I truly do believe that we all children of a loving Heavenly Father and because of there is a plan.  There are absolute right and wrongs, there is something so much more we should all be striving for.

I know everyone does not believe as I do and I don't expect everyone too, I just hope that I will always feel free and safe to live and express my beliefs and things I know to be true.

So as I celebrate the fourth of July this weekend, it will mean a little more, I will think of it all little longer, our country is worth fighting for.

Oh, thus be it ever, when free men shall stand
Between their loved homes and the war's desolation!
Blest with vict'ry and peace, may the heav'n rescued land
Praise the Pow'r that hath made and preserved us a nation!
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,
And this be our motto: "In God is our trust!"

(The third verse to our nation's anthem)

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Linking with Shell's PYHO

What The Easy A Professor Taught Me

I've always liked getting good grades.  From a young age the importance of working hard and trying your best was instilled into my brain.  I wasn't a straight A student every year, but I was in honors classes and always made the honor roll.  In college, I got off to a bit of a rough start, but after I got married after my sophomore year, I rounded out my college career with all 4.0's.

During the course of college, I one had that 'one professor', the one that is known as being easy, the easy A. As a psychology major the material came naturally to me and seemed intuitive, but I learned there is a difference between understanding the material and knowing it well enough for a test. So,  I began to diligently study.  I would read through the material and then write a list of questions, sometimes as many as 80-100 questions; I would then make my new husband quiz me on these questions over and over again.

In this class, after our first test I was happy to see I left the testing center with an A.  My hard work had paid off.  The next day I went back to class, proud of my grade and wondering how everyone else did.  Our professor had our tests and we spent class time going over the tests.  Students would ask about a question saying they didn't understand it or thought some other answer made sense too and he would agree and give everyone that also picked that answer credit.

At first, it seemed pretty awesome as who doesn't want a free questions. Quickly more hands shot up.  It soon became apparent that you could pretty much sneeze at a problem and he would give you credit for it.

Then I was mad.

I had gotten that question correct, I had taken the time to study and really learn the material, and now everyone was now getting the same grade as me.  This pattern continued for every test.  This had a strange affect on me, rather than making be grateful for one easy class, it made me stop caring.  What was the point to study?  Why try hard?  All I had to do was go argue the problem and he would give me credit.  There was no longer any incentive to try.

Thankfully my university did not believe in this principle that this professor was inadvertently teaching either, he wasn't a professor much longer.

When people are given free hand-outs, hand-outs instead of hand-ups, what incentive do they have to try?  What do they have to work for?  Nothing.  They will become disheartened, depressed, and have nothing to work for.  Why take the time to work when all you have to do is complain and you will get a handout.

I am not oblivious to the real needs, to the innocent victims of life and it's circumstances.  I spent years after graduating college working and protecting children who suffered from things almost unimaginable.  I saw first hand when the system failed to protect and provide for those who truly needed it.  I also saw time and time again how the system actually rewarded those for doing nothing.

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day- teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime.  It is time to stop handing out free fish.

So what did that easy-A professor teach me?  He taught me that if you want people to truly succeed, to truly make something of their lives, then they have to work for it, otherwise they will just give up.

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Linking with Shell's PYHO

Why I Deleted an iPad App

I deleted a game from my iPad yesterday.  I had to, I needed to, for my sake and for my family.

Life and motherhood is a crazy wonderful thing.  Some days it can feel so simple, making you think, I've got this, life is easy!  Then the next day everything seems to blow up.

As my kids have gotten older, the busy days of chasing toddlers have vanished.  In its place there is homework, after school activities and big kid drama, but during my day I have more time.

Sometimes to fill that time I play games on my iPad.  I am a big fan of the time management style games.  I love getting on and playing, but time can quickly pass and before I know it I have wasted way too much time.

My mom began playing a certain farming game (rhymes with Pay May).  I always said I could never get that game as I would get way too addicted.

An ad popped up on one of my games for a different farming game, after seeing it several times I couldn't resist, I clicked over and got the free app.  It was fun and I was planting crops, feeding the cows, filling orders, I loved it.  As the game advanced new goals and tasks came up that were time sensitive.  'I had better stop in and harvest my crops.'  'Oh, I just need to spend a few minutes to get the next cheese being made.'  'Oh that is going to be done in five minutes, I can just wait for it.'  It quickly went from a fun diversion, to something I thought about first thing when I woke up in the morning.

Eric kept commenting about it, I chose to ignore him, knowing he was right.  I kept feeling like I should just delete it; I kept pushing that feeling down, thinking it is okay for me to take some time to myself, I can play less if I want.

Yesterday, as I put away laundry, I put on a talk from last year's LDS General Conference, from President Dieter F. Uchtdorf.  As I listened to his words, which had nothing to do with games or how I spend my time, but his words penetrated my heart and let me know what I needed to do.  With tears streaming down my face, I went downstairs and deleted that game.

In life, we will be faced with many decisions, times when we need to choose between good and what is best.  Times when something that really isn't bad, can become a nuisance and plague in our life.  Times when we have to admit we are lying to ourselves.

As I told my kids what I did (as they were playing the game also), they were a little sad and didn't understand, but as I explained why I needed to do this and that I felt prompted to do so, they knew it was right.

We all have our vices, our plagues, our addictions. Do you make the effort to free yourself, to become who you are truly supposed to be, who you truly can be with all of your divine worth?   Life is not meant to be easy, but life is meant to be full of joy!  It takes work, it takes sacrifice, but it is worth it.

Here are a few highlights from that talk I listened to- you can read the full talk here.
********* Linking with Shell's PYHO

Why Texting Strengthens My Marriage

Love it or hate it, technology is here to stay.  I will admit some days I feel like my phone never leaves my hand, which probably isn't a good thing, but one thing I have realized is quite good, in fact even substantial to my relationship is texting.

I have heard people complain about texting, saying texting makes it so people don't talk on the phone any more, or face to face, they just send off a quick text.  While there might be some truth to that, I have found that texting has actually straightened my marriage.
My kids do something funny, I send a quick text to my husband telling him about it.  My daughter is home from school sick, I send a quick text updating my husband on how she is doing.  I actually put the laundry away and.... wait never mind I don't think I have ever texted that.

There are a lot of little things throughout the day; things not worth interrupting him with a phone call, things that might not seem really that significant.  But it is those little things, those little moments that make up my day, make up who I am, help shape my identity and roll as a mother and wife.  I feel like I am able to stay more connected with him, keep him more in the loop of what is happening in our day, what is happening with our family.

There have been moments when I have felt like I should reach out to him, just send him a quick message letting him know I am thinking of him.  These are often days that I know he is busy, in and out of stressful meetings; but a quick text letting him know that I am thinking of him and that I love him ends up going a long ways.

Sure, I could tell him those things when he gets home, but let's be honest a lot of the little things, a lot of the seemingly insignificant things, I would probably forget to mention by the end of the day.  But those little things keep us connected, keep us as one.

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Linking with Shell's PYHO

Come back tomorrow for the winner of the Canvas giveaway! 

Marriage and God

This weekend I was in time-out and I loved it.  So it isn't the traditional time-out every parent thinks of, but I attended a 'Time-Out for Women', sponsored by Deseret Books.  It was a weekend of music, inspirational talks and shopping.  I stayed over night with my friend Julie to complete the whole experience.  It was wonderful and Eric was a superstar managing two soccer games and everything else that comes with being a parent on his own.

We ate good (thanks to my husband who told us about some of the best places in Pasadena to eat),

Supper yummy pizza (and deviled eggs for an appetizer) from the Luggage Room Pizzeria

Me and two of my friends outside of the Dog Haus

Heaven in a bun right there! My hotdog from the Dog Haus

we laughed, shed a few tears, and just enjoyed the sisterhood all 1,600 of us shared.


There was one talk that particularly stuck out to me.  A psychologist Wendy Ulrich began speaking about the four stages of marriage, they are:

  4 Stages of Marriage:
   1. Honeymoon stage: bliss, rose colored glasses, alive and loving stage
   2. Power Struggle Stage: trying to figure out our roles/balance, establishing who what we are
   3. Withdrawal stage: doing your own things, still married but not truly connected
   4. Acceptance and Renewal- learn that you can't change the other but only yourself, learn to love and understand

There stages are not all equal in length and duration and there isn't really a check list that says you have made it through a stage.  There might be areas that we have come to accept, but other areas where we still have that power-struggle for parts of our relationship.

As I sat and contemplated my relationship with my husband; she turned the tables on us and asked where are we in these stages with God.

I will admit, it caused me to pause, caused my heart to skip a beat and my eyes open to a whole other level of truth.  I feel like I have faith, feel like I will do whatever it takes, but do I always turn my will over to Him?   Or do I struggle with what I want, and what I think is right?  Do I take the time to read my scriptures and truly pray or do I withdraw getting caught up in everything but my relationship with Him?  Have I come to the point in our relationship that I can truly say, thy will be done?

She then went on to say that we shouldn't feel discouraged but need to realize that just like a marriage takes works, so does our relationship with God.  He is our advocate and on our side, He wants to help us and be there for us.  We should tell Him what we are afraid of, what we doubt, what we fear, we need to turn it over to Him so He can help and heal us.

We need to learn to sit still with God and practice trust.
I have a long way to go and am so far from who I could and should be, but I try.  Everyday I get up and try and try again.  And as with a good marriage, it takes time, it takes work, it takes faith; but it is worth it.

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Linking with Shell's PYHO

Here is My Post

    I sat down last night ready to write this beautifully eloquent post.   Maybe something about motherhood, maybe something about life, something I could link up with Shell's Pour Your Heart Out.
    The ideas, even some sentences even had popped into my head throughout the day, but as with everything since having three kids, if I don't write it down, I lose it.
   That's okay, it could come back to me, after all I am a writer.   I sat in my favorite seat on the couch, pulled open my computer and sat.

   It was quiet...

   Too quiet.  The kids all in bed, Eric out of town for work.

A little Property Brothers would do the trick, turned on the TV and once again pulled open my computer.

.....

I closed my computer and decided just to watch the episode, then I would write.

I pulled out one of the blankets and wrapped up, nothing better then watching TV all wrapped up snugly in a blanket.

A hour later I woke up, haven fallen asleep at 8:50.

The sleepiness wouldn't leave my eyes; decided I might as well call it a night.

So here is my post, my profound post about motherhood, this amazing writing with this nugget of inspiration and wisdom that will leave you all amazed and in awe....

Or really it's not.  Instead it is much more true to real life, often repetitive and mundane, often a rather straight forward ride.

But those little moments, those moments of inspiration, those events that enliven you and help you remember what it is all about... those are the moments that make it exciting and worth it.

So for now, I will just calmly float and try to enjoy the calm.  I will write this simple post that really is more indicative of real life.

Maybe tomorrow I will write something brilliant.

Don't Let Fear Stop You

Tonight I am going to an meet up with a group of pro-photographers from my area.  There have been a few met ups but this will be the first one I am going to.  I have to be honest, I am pretty nervous about it.  I have gotten used to being the new person, moving every couple of years will do that to you, but this is different.

This is a meet up with my peers and "colleagues" in a way.  My photography has greatly improved over the years and I really enjoy taking pictures; but my role as a business person and as a pro-photographer, if I am perfectly honest, I still feel pretty new and at times insecure about it all.  My husband says I just don't give myself enough credit; which is probably true but that doesn't change the way I feel.

I have been part of a Facebook group with this bunch for a little while now and they have all been nothing but nice and supportive.  They all just seem like such amazing photographers, people I feel like I could learn so much from, people I wish I could be like.

So I will head out tonight, a little nervous, a little stary-eyed and definitely feeling like the new kid on the block.

But as I tell my kids again and again (okay mostly Lucas, Alex is fearless), don't let your fear keep you from missing out on fun things in life.

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I am back- I wrote the first part before I headed to my meet- up. I am now home and I am glad I went.  When I first got there I had moments of feeling like, why I am I here, I am so out of my league. As the night went on and the conversations began flowing and we all talked asking questions and giving advice, I felt much more at ease.  I left the night feeling like I had made a few new friends, learned some new things and felt inspired to want to get out there and shoot more often.

So now once again, I can tell Lucas that good things happen when you don't let fear rule your life.

Linking up with Shell's PYHO

Why I Won't Let My Kids Have Sleepovers

I remember my first sleepover.  It was with my good friend who lived across the street. I remember being so excited, packing up my bag and walking across the street.  We had a great time playing and before we knew it, it was time to get ready for bed.  I changed into my pajamas, brushed my teeth and then started crying.  I am not sure why I started crying, the thought of going to sleep without saying goodnight to my mom, just the fact that I was sleeping in a different bed....

  I do remember I called my mom but I can't remember if I stayed or not.  While my mind vividly remembers the fear, I don't remember the resolution.

I did get more brave after that and had many fun sleepovers over the years.

Now today as a parent we have a rule, no sleepovers.

Now that might seem hypocritical or extreme, especially after the many sleepovers I had growing up.

The trouble is the world is a different place now.  Yes, most people are good kind people, but sadly there are those who are not.  Not only is there the possibility of an assault but with the Internet and technology the things that can be easily viewed in a home is vastly different.  The things some families find okay, violent video games, R rated movies, vulgar language; are things we do not find okay.

Now, I will admit, if I knew a family really well and knew their values and beliefs I would probably be okay with a sleepover, but how do you say yes to one family but no to an other?   Besides, how much do you ever really know a family?  What if an older sibling has a friend over that causes problems? What if one of the friends causes problems?  At first you my be vigilant about checking to make sure everything will be monitored, that all in the home are safe, but how quickly would you slip into complacency and not be so vigilant?  Also statistics don't lie and most kids or people that are assaulted are assaulted by someone they know.

Alex has already been asked by a friend to have a sleepover, but she knows our rules (only sleepovers with certain cousins) and so told her friend she could not.  As they get older, I am more than willing to let them stay at a friends house late, but I will always come pick them up.  If the parents know I will be picking up my child that night, then I think something like what recently happened in Minnesota where the father drugged a 10-year-old girl , by slipping things into her pop so he could molest her in the night, would be way less likely to happen; as they knew I would be there soon to get my child.

This might be seem rigid or extreme, but when it comes to my kids safety there are certain things that just do not seem worth the risk.

What are your thoughts about sleepovers?

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Linking with Shell's PYHO

Teach Them While They're Young

We all have different values, different morals, different things we want our kids to do or believe.  This post isn't about what is right or wrong, but about teaching our kids to follow what we know to be right.

I am not claiming myself as an expert, in fact I have written about the fact that with parenting the only consistent thing is that once you get it figured out something will change.  

You first have to figure out what you believe, what you want for your kids, what you believe is important.  Then start young.

Want your kids to be polite and have good manners?   Start young.  Want your kids to watch and read good and appropriate media?  Start young.  Want your kids to dress modestly?  Start young.

A part of my faith and religion is dressing modestly, not to help boys have pure thoughts or not be a temptation, or anything like that, but as a respect for our God given bodies and as an outward symbol of our respect and love of God.  

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, my standard of modesty is at a greater level than the general public; knee length skirts or shorts, no low necklines or even sleeveless clothes.  Now do I think someone is immodest if they don't dress this way, especially if they are not of my faith, heck no! 

I am not writing this post to call anyone out on immodesty as if you believe differently than I do, then what your hold yourself to as modest is different than what I hold myself to. 

I want my children to share my faith and beliefs as it has brought the most happiness, the most stability, and the best moral compass in a world that can leave you tumbling around in a realm or moral relativism.  

So I begin when my kids are young.  If I find a cute dress for Alex that is too short, I don't buy it.  Shorts that barely cover the butt or just aren't long enough, I don't buy them.  A sleeveless dress that is actually long enough, I buy it but I also buy a cute sweater or shirt to go underneath it.  Yes, it limits our options, yes it is hard to find clothes at times, but it is what is important, so I do it.

I teach them when they are young.  I help my children understand why the things I believe are important to me and why I hope and pray that they will be important to them also.  

This last Sunday I tossed Alex's dress down the stairs for her and told her to get dressed, while I went and found clothes for the boys.

She got dressed, but called to me from the bathroom, barely opening the door.  "Yes?" I asked as I approached the door.

"Something is wrong with this dress." Alex said pointing to the sleeves, or lack thereof.
"Did you get the shirt I tossed down too?" I asked.
"Oh no, I missed that." she said relieved.  I retrieved the shirt from the stairs and gave it to Alex and she finished getting dressed.

I stopped and enjoyed that moment.  Pride in that fact that she is learning, pride that dressing in a way different than what I am teaching her makes her uncomfortable and that she realizes something 'is wrong'.

Our children can do great and amazing things, we just need to expect it of them.  We need to not give in and say, oh well everyone else is doing it, it really doesn't matter, or even, well they are young so it is okay now, they can get away with it.  If it matters to you, then stick to what you know.  Lead by example, teach, instruct, praise and even correct when it is needed.  It all begins at home.  It all begins with us actually stepping up and doing our jobs as parents.  It begins when they are young.

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Linking up with Shell's PYHO

My Kids Are Color Blind

My kids are colorblind, as is my husband-litterally.  He is red-green colorblind.  If he saw an apple tree from far away the apples would just disappear and blend into the tree, looking just like a regular tree.  My kids are a different kind of color blind.

I grew up in a small town that was very dominantly one race, and then went to college in a state that was even more so.  I think I didn't really think anything of it, it was just how it was.

We have now lived in Southern California for almost six years.

My kids are on their third week of school.  Alex came home telling me all about her friend Kennedy and how she wanted to have Kennedy come over.  Everyday I would hear about what they played at recess.  I wrote down our number so Alex could take it to her friend.  This week we got a call from Kennedy she wanted to talk with Alex and even talked with me for a bit, she is not a shy girl at all.  I  talked with her mom and we talked about dates for possible playdates.  When I asked Alex what Kennedy was like, she told me how fun she was, the things they had in common, the things they like to play and that was it.  Kennedy is black and Alex never once brought this up.  The only reason I know is because I help out in Alex's classroom and was able to figure out who she was.

Lucas' best friend is Hispanic; he has come over many times now and Lucas has gone to his home for many hours of Minecraft playing.

And I love it.

I love that my kids are growing up in a place where there is so much diversity that it doesn't seem diverse.  It is normal to them.  All they care about is if they have common interests and like to play the same sort of games.

In the scriptures it says we are to become like little children- this is what is is talking about.  Their innocence, their ability to so easily forgive, their ability to see past all of the false pretenses and prejudices of the world and just see someone for who they are.

My kids are colorblind and I couldn't be more proud.

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Linking up with Shell's PYHO

Family is What Matters

As we finished our nightly scripture study the kids began asking questions, what if type questions.  What would happen if there was a big earthquake?  What if we got stuck at the school and you were all the way at Costco Mom?  What if? What if?

We tried to answer their questions, telling them what the plan would be but most importantly reminding them that our home, our car, all of it, it is just stuff; what matters is our family.  We could lose all of our things, but we would still have each other and that is what mattered.

It is so easy to get caught up in the things, even the things in the world around us.  This week Robin Williams tragically took his own life.  I somehow missed the news for most of the day, somehow not on any form of media that day.  I had ironically just the day before finished reading a book called Hope After Suicide, a true story of how a now grown women dealt and tried to deal with her mother's suicide when she was just 12-years-old.

It is so easy to look around at all that is going on, all of the bad things in the world and lose hope, lose faith.

But I cannot, I will not.  I will continue to move forward, continue to grow and to give and to try and help make this world a better place.

At times we may feel so small and insignificant, but we never know; we never truly know the impact we may have and that is why me must never give up; we must always try just one more day.

We are not alone, we have family, friends, a community of bloggers who hopefully rally together for good... and even if all of those feel lost to you, we have a Heavenly Father who loves us and knows a plan for us, no matter how unaware of that plan we may be.

Life is hard, life can seem confusing and even scary but we cannot give up.

Choose to live today.

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Linking with Shell's PYHO